


Be Calm

by MaikkaPakka



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast), The Infinite Noise - Lauren Shippen
Genre: First "I love you", Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, WARNINGS:, as always there is quite a bit of swearing simply because it's Caleb pov, because Caleb loves two things more than anything else: Adam and extensive swearing, panick/anxiety attack and sensory overload, this was almost the 300th fic in the tbs tag but I was a few hours too late :'), why do I always do this to my faves?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 12:04:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20948042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaikkaPakka/pseuds/MaikkaPakka
Summary: Caleb has a panic attack and goes nonverbal so Adam helps him calm down."All the colors clash together like a bad abstract painting; too much orange, the purple is washed out and ugly, the yellow makes me want to pluck my eyes out, the red is too neon, and there's not nearly enough green. It feels like my skull might burst and splatter the walls with the multi-colored cacophony inside my brain."





	Be Calm

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, look! Maika's projecting all her problems onto her faves again! Oh boy, this was pretty emotional for me to write but I had a lot of fun anyway.
> 
> Thanks to my amazing beta CrayolaRainbow! If you liked this fic you should go check out their incredibly fluffy wedding fic "The Ultimate Double Dare" right now. Seriously, it's so goddamn soft and sweet!
> 
> The title is from Be Calm by Fun.

It starts small, like some sort of itch in my chest. I don't quite know what caused it. Maybe it was nothing; maybe it was everything. Probably a combination of the two.

I pace around the changing room, the steady rhythm of my feet bring a hint of order and control to the building chaos around me. Every single nerve in my body is working overtime trying to make every little sound, light, and feeling as intense and miserable as possible. It's like someone turned a dial and upped the saturation of the universe to a thousand percent.

All the colors clash together like a bad abstract painting; too much orange, the purple is washed out and ugly, the yellow makes me want to pick my eyes out, the red is too neon, and there's not nearly enough green. It feels like my skull might burst and splatter the walls with the multi-colored cacophony inside my brain.

I can easily deal with one bright light, one annoying sound, or one bad emotion on its own. No problem! But it's entirely different when my brain decides to give all of its attention to every single little thing all at once. I'm far from a math expert, but even I know that giving 100% to ten different things at once is fundamentally impossible. If Adam were here he would probably tell me something about how the equation would cause the universe to collapse or something, which coincidentally is exactly what it felt like my brain is trying to do.

My thoughts travel about a billion miles per second but my processing speed has slowed to the pace of a particularly lazy slug. Every time I manage to pick up on the gist of one thought it's already slipped between my fingers and replaced itself with at least ten new thoughts who all leave and come with the same overwhelming speed as the first. 

My head spins as the floor becomes a massive magnet dragging me downwards. It takes all the strength in my body to not give in to its pull and sink into the ground.

Suddenly someone removes all the oxygen in the room. I try to inhale but my lungs feel empty. I inhale again but I'm still left breathless. I try again, and again, and again, and again until I forget how to exhale. 

_ Shit. Why can't I breathe? I'm breathing so much. How am I not getting any air? Have I forgotten how to breathe? Why am I not getting any air? I should breathe faster. Faster. I need more air. _

It hurts to breathe but it's the only thing that is keeping me from suffocating. My lungs are a rogue machine without an off-switch. My body is an impossibility of contradictions: too much air yet never enough, everything is obnoxiously loud although miles away, I'm about to collapse and burst at the same time.

_ This isn't working. Fuck. I should try something else. How do I stop? Why can't I stop? Shit. I need air. Not like this. What am I doing? Why can't I control this? Why do I have no control? _

I can feel the cold concrete floor beneath me (when did I sit down?) as I press my back against the locker. The lock digs into my back with every breath I take, but neither the chill of the floor nor the pain of the lock between my shoulder blades registers because my mind is miles away.

_ I'm going to pass out. I'm going to pass out. I'm going to pass out... _

I slump forward, burying my face between my knees and squeeze my eyes shut. The lack of sight erases about five distractions. Only about a hundred more to go!

_ Why am I doing this? Is this my fault? Have I lost it? Am I losing my mind? Fuck. Am I going crazy? I think I'm going crazy. No sane person would do this. This isn't what a normal person does. God, I'm crazy. This time I've finally lost it. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit. _

There's a click and I'm vaguely aware of a door opening somewhere to my left. I curl up tighter, trying to make myself smaller and less noticeable. The last thing I want is for someone to see me like this, but despite my best attempts, there is nothing subtle about a 6'4 ft hyperventilating football player.

"Hey," Adam says softly. His voice sounds so distant like he's trying to talk to me underwater. "Are you okay?"

I want to say yes. I want to lie and tell him that I feel fine. Anything to dull the rising worry in Adam's chest. But my answer gets stuck in my throat somewhere between my brain and my lips.

I feel Adam's panic spike and seep into my own, growing stronger with every passing second I don't answer. I try to open my mouth and form a simple sentence again but my tongue doesn't obey. I must look like a fish out of water suffocating on air. I know the sounds I want to make and the words I want to say but I have forgotten how to move my mouth to make them.

Finally, I manage to let a sound escape my throat, but it is closer to a hoarse whimper than an actual word. God, I must look pathetic.

"Caleb?" Adam's gut sinks with pity and I hate it. I hate that I'm making him feel this way. I hate that he has to see me like this. When is it a good time to see your partner totally freak the fuck out? Is this too early? What the fuck am I doing? He doesn't deserve this. God, what if this is the last straw and I scare him away for good this time? I mean, we haven't even told each other "I love you" yet!

I hear Adam's steps coming towards me. The sound of cloth moving tells me he's crouching down in front of me.

"Hey," he says, his voice still trapped behind a wall of water. "You're gonna be alright."

I don't believe him.

Something touches my shoulder and I jerk away instinctively, ramming my back painfully against the locker. I flinch as a bang echoes through the locker room.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" Adam whispers. Guilt and fear coil inside him.

I look up and meet Adam's worried eyes. No, he's not worried anymore, he's scared. He feels scared. But not the kind of scared the guys on my team feel towards me sometimes, no, he feels scared with a twinge of empathy; he's scared for me. And it's all my fault.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asks. His voice is gentle but there's a hint of stubbornness to his emotions. For some miraculous reason, I don't think he wants to leave. I don't think I want him to leave either.

I shake my head, instantly feeling guilty over subjecting Adam to more stress. Adam has added another layer of tension to this whole mess but the only thing worse than Adam worrying about me is being left alone like this. But instead of more stress from Adam, I feel determination as he looks into my eyes and says "try to focus on me".

I try; it helps a little but my breath still comes out in short gasps.

"Try to breathe," he says.

That's what I'm trying to do.

"Uh, will it help if I breathe with you?"

I try to shrug but it's nearly indistinguishable from my heavy breathing.

"Alright, it's worth a try I guess. Breathe in on:

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

And hold for...

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

Five…

Six...

And then out on…

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

Five…

Six…

Seven…

Eight...

And in on…"

We breathe together until we fall into a rhythm. It's like Adam's presence and persistent breathing has added oxygen and life back into the locker room. I reach out for Adam, my hand still shaking slightly in the aftermath.

Adam moves forward slightly to reciprocate the affection, but he stops himself before he touches me.

"Is it okay if I-"

I nod, trying to smile a little.

He pulls me into a hug and I rest my head on his shoulder. My throat still stings with every shaky breath but it finally feels like my lungs are working again.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room. My eyes are bloodshot and my face is glowing red from the pressure of crying. Have I been crying? How did I not notice? My hair is a mess too, sticking up at odd angles more than usual. I look like I just ran a marathon, and the ache in my body makes it feel like I have. I'm surprised that Adam would dare to even approach me in this state; I honestly wouldn't blame him if he decided to take one look at my miserable appearance and run the other way. But he's still here, his warm embrace like a steady anchor keeping me tied to reality.

I hug him a little closer and he rubs my back in response. I take a deep breath, his familiar smell chases away some of the cacophonies inside my head.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, my head resting on his shoulder as his hand runs across my back in soothing circles.

"You ready to go?" he asks after a little while.

I would give anything to be anywhere other than this sweaty metal hellhole, but the magnets in the floor have not let go of my body yet. My throat is still clogged so I shake my head.

"Okay," he whispers, running his fingers through my hair. I relax into his touch and for a moment all my senses are filled with him: the warmth of his body against mine, the sound of his pulse in his neck, the smell of his shampoo drowning out the overwhelming stench of sweat, and finally the comforting affection swirling in both our chests that I can only classify as love.

"I love you," I mumble into his shoulder.

I can't see his face but I can feel a smile bloom in his chest.

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> PSA to anyone who doesn't experience panic/anxiety attacks: different people panic in different ways. Some people may be fine with being touched while others may get worse by being touched. Always ask before touching or getting too close to a person having a panic attack, no matter how intimate you may normally be with them. Some people (including me) go nonverbal which makes it incredibly hard and sometimes impossible to talk. We aren't ignoring you, we just can't process speech right now. Just try to be patient and calm while removing as many stressors and potential triggers from the environment as possible.
> 
> PSA to anyone who experiences panic/anxiety attacks: although it may feel like you are about to pass out it is extremely unlikely because panic increases your blood pressure while fainting is caused by a drop in blood pressure. It's still a good idea to sit down, though. I find that controlled breathing works extremely well when I try to stop a panic attack. The breathing exercise Adam and Caleb do works pretty well (4 seconds in, 6 hold, 8 out). Panic attacks suck ass. You deserve a gold medal and a cookie for going through that bullshit!
> 
> Now that we're on the topic; if you have any good tips or techniques that help you or someone you know with panic attacks feel free to share them in the comments. I would love to hear them!
> 
> On a happier note...  
[ here's a link to my beta's super sweet fluff fest about Caleb and Adam secretly getting married ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20743514/chapters/49286369)


End file.
